What Women Want
Women are sexual beings, yes, this is a truth we already know. But another truth is the double standard in our society and the ease with which ‘man’ can essentially do as he pleases. Meanwhile, women are left to struggle beneath the magnifying glass as men are glorified for their sexual conquests. The question is then, where do these double standards come from? And the answer lies within history. From the beginning of time women have been portrayed as the docile sex. We are demure, sensitive and highly emotional, often being accused of irrationality. Then we are described as being left to fight the uncontrollable sexual desires and advances of men. So this is how we are categorized… and then placed neatly at our spot in the home or at the reception desk.
Thankfully though, over the years in a tough battlefield women have been able to rectify their spot in society and contribute to our constantly growing culture. We are almost seen as equal. There is one unfortunate aspect that is still at the forefront, and that’s the struggle to be recognized as highly sexual beings. A very important issue is that most women are unsure of their own sexuality and feed into the societal norms of female sexuality. We let men dominate with their self-proclaimed sexual energy and insatiable desire to ‘fuck her.’
Journalist Daniel Bergner has just released his second book on female sexuality and opens the discussion to hopefully paint a true picture of whatfemale sexuality actually is: sordid, ravenous and animalistic. Bergner’s book, “What Do Women Want?” is a collection of scientific findings, interviews and observations that really re-examine women as sexual beings. He unearths information through science, history and scrutiny to debunk the unnatural assumption that men are ‘hardwired’ to be more sexual than women. According to Bergner, women are NOT more docile and may actually be less committed to monogamy, while also being harder to satisfy.
So why is it now that people are just beginning to figure out this nonsense and why hasn’t anyone ever noticed that we are wildly diverse? It’s because men are scared of what women may achieve if our true Eros is ever unleashed. In many interviews, Bergner made mention of a few male friends who had read his book and felt deeply ‘concerned’, while other male friends mentioned it ‘scared the bejesus out of him.’ A lot can be taken from these reactions, as well as from the normal Western Judeo/Christian views on female sexuality that have barely budged.
Men have been dictating on our behalf what our desires should be, how we should react to certain situations, how we should feel and what we should do with our sexuality. If they are concerned now then it is us who should be feeling empowered. As teenagers and young 20-somethings, a lot of us have been told that women don’t like sex; we do it as sort of a trade off. If we wanta loving, monogamous husband and beautiful children then we must submit sexually. Our desires are not important and we really should not be acting upon them. It’s also been noted in history that men tried to dampen and constrain women’s sexual energy by discouraging fantasy, which they rely on to keep the energy high.
Within the book, Bergner also discusses a lot of social constructs and uses them as an excuse for women’s lack of sexuality in their everyday life. He says social structures can blind us to reality, with monogamy being one of the major culture cages that distorts our of understanding female desire. Now, there is nothing wrong with monogamy and there are plenty of happy and successful relationships that are based on it, but to say that women only strive for a relationship with a one man as their end-all-be-all is completely incorrect.
Monogamy can even be blamed for the flagging sex drive in women over 40. According to Bergner, even the hormonal decrease of menopause can be entirely overridden by the appearance of a new sexual partner. He mentions psychologist Kim Wallen’s discovery of the “thought that monogamy was, forwomen, a cultural cage — one of many cultural cages — [that] distorts libido.”
These findings are only the beginning to a long journey of sexual exploration. Pick up the book and encourage other women to read it too. This information is powerful and can help women reach complete equality. As for enhancing your libido now, why not try a few of this tips…
· Watch Porn – Just like men, we love anything visually appealing and what’s hotter than watching someone else get it on… or someone else enact the fantasies we most want ourselves? Watching porn can get our blood pumping and open our eyes to the variety of sex out there. Porn can help us discoverwhat we didn’t already know and may even introduce us to a fantasy we never knew we had. Our sexuality is constantly changing and constantly progressing.
· Be a Flirt – Even if you’re attached, try flirting with the hot bartender on your girl’s night. It will be thrilling and can spark a passion within you that has been itching to ignite. If you aren’t attached, go as far as getting his number. You aren’t that shy and you aren’t that docile. Break out of the shell society has placed you in and explore your sexuality. You may find a sultry new side…
· Try Swinging – If you are with a partner suggest a swinger’s club. There are no expectations and everyone stays true to their comfort zone. It could be an eye-opening experience for you and your partner, and who knows, perhaps you will both learn something new. If you’re single, don’t feel bad about giving your number out to that guy, or exchanging a kiss with a stranger. Don’t be afraid of the labels of ‘whore’ or ‘slut.’ They are merely categories constructed by fearful people. You are a woman, you are strong and you are empowered.
· Act Out All Your Fantasies- Don’t be ashamed of something you want to try. There is nothing wrong with sexual fantasies as they are the life energy force that keeps our sexuality going. Just remember that there is no fantasy that is deviant or gross. Exploring our sexual side is completely natural and actually quite necessary. So next time you want to be tied up, or you want to do the tying up, don’t hesitate to bring it up to your partner.
· Back Off From Oral Contraceptives – There is considerable new research that shows negative side effects from the contraceptive pill, and one of them happens to be a lower libido. Women who take the pill will have lower testosterone, which regulates our sex drive.
Now that you’ve learned ways to get that libido up and running we suggest you put that sexy body to good use and go give them a try! Put your inner prude away and let the animal inside you come out. Meow!
The Evolution of the Angels
If you have had the good fortune of catching the televised Victoria’s Secret fashion show recently then you have seen the large production featuring gorgeous Angels, intricate costumes, spectacular wings and celebrity musical acts. It has been rumored that the 2011 show costed $12 million. The next show seems to be an improvement over the previous years. But simply, it is a wonderful display celebrating femininity! Was the original show this elaborate and when did the first Angels walk the runway? Click the link to find out the origins of the Angels in the Victoria’s Secret fashion show! Just Click on the PNG image below or Click here for The Evolution of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show – PDF. Share it with your friends and strut your sexy stuff!
Confidence is the New Sexy
You’re an alpha female. You run your own life according to your terms. An alpha female is already a pretty confident woman. You’re independent and do what it takes to get what you want out of life. You’re hardworking and motivated and you won’t stop until you’re successful and happy. You have confidence, and that will take you places in your life, your love and your career. This is a very sexy thing. One of the most common areas where some women feel they need a confidence boost is in the bedroom. Sexual confidence is your most important tool to boost your sex life and maximize your sexual pleasure. Here’s why you need it and how you can get it.
There’s a big misconception that confidence is easily mistaken for selfishness. Don’t let that worry bring you down. It should not limit you from being your true, confident self. In reality, it’s not hard to pick out who is actually selfish and who is actually confident. If you’re not a selfish person you won’t come across that way.
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The difference between confidence and selfishness is how you treat and interact with other people.
Confidence is self-esteem. It’s important for you to love yourself before you can love other people the way they deserve to be loved. Confidence means that you are happy enough with yourself to be able to put others first. Being selfish is worrying about only yourself and doing whatever you need to ensure your own happiness, even if it’s at someone else’s extent.
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Confident women are sexy women.
Women who are confident know what they want and aren’t afraid to get it. Men are attracted to confident women because they are successful and aren’t afraid to be themselves. Women who need to be reassured all the time can turn men off. This also goes for clingy women who don’t have their own life. Confident women are also happy women, and both sexes are attracted to happiness. No one wants to be with someone who’s miserable all the time. A lot of men like women who will take charge in the bedroom. You don’t have to go and be a dominatrix, but you don’t have to sit back and let him do all of the work either. If there’s something you want to do during sex, go for it! If there’s something your partner is not doing, don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you like! It’s also important that you make sure you let him know when he’s doing it right. The more you reassure him, the more he’ll continue that really awesome move you love so much.
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Your partner is just as intimidated as you are.
Sex is intimidating for both participants. Being naked can lead to paranoia, and it becomes easy to worry about whether you look fat instead of enjoying the moment. This can hinder your sexual experience and cause you to have difficulty reaching climax. It can also prevent you from trying something new, like that move you saw in a magazine and wanted to try. Here’s the thing…men are intimidated too! They worry about things like their penis size, how they look and if they’re doing a good job. That’s right! Men do worry about whether they’re making you feel good! To top that off, most men aren’t even focusing on those body parts you’re worried about. A friend of mine once told me that as long as your boobs and butt are on display, men aren’t even looking at your stomach! They’re too distracted by those more exciting naughty parts. The more confident you are, the less intimidating sex will be for you.
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A big part of a woman’s sexual pleasure is mental.
The key to bedroom confidence is focusing on pleasure. Once you stop worrying about how you look, you can focus on what you’re feeling. How you feel about your body is directly linked to your ability to orgasm. The more confident you are, the more likely you will climax. Eighty percent of women can’t orgasm from intercourse alone, and 30 percent can’t reach orgasm from any type of sexual activity. This means it’s hard for women to climax in the first place, without the added worries of how good you look. Focus is the key to a woman’s orgasm. Up to 90 percent of a woman’s orgasm is mental. You have to be in the right mindset to achieve sexual bliss. If your mind is wandering and thinking about everything but the pleasure you’re feeling and how turned on you are, you won’t be focused enough to climax. So stop worrying about what happened at work today or if he can see your cellulite and live in the moment.
So now you know why confidence is sexy. You might still be wondering what you can do to increase your confidence and give off that cool, sexy, confident vibe in the bedroom. Sexual confidence can exist in two forms: mental and physical.
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Positive thinking is the key to sexual confidence.
Worrying about all your flaws and faults is going to get you nowhere, especially if there are things that you can’t fix. You have to concentrate on your assets instead and find ways to showcase them. Maybe you’re a bit flat chested but you’ve got a fantastic booty. Try a position where he gets a nice view of your butt, like doggy style or reverse cowgirl. If you’re the opposite and have a great upper body but a not-so-fabulous bottom, do girl on top and missionary. Doing sex positions that showcase your best assets will give you a confidence boost and stop you from worrying about what part of you is jiggling.
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Exerting sexual confidence is all about body language.
Making eye contact during sex can be a very powerful thing. If you’re one of those people who have a problem with eye contact, try to look at the bridge of your partner’s nose. Confident body language during sex can be anything that shows you’re feeling good. It can be anything from digging your nails into his back, to kissing his neck, to making noises. This is where you can do whatever comes naturally to you, and I assure you that he won’t judge you. This is where what I call the “circle of sexual pleasure” comes in. Most men are turned on by their ability to sexually satisfy their partner so the more pleasure you show the more pleasure he will get, which in turn means more pleasure for you. So it moves in a big circle and comes back to you. In simple terms, show pleasure and you’ll get more pleasure.
Confidence is sexy and attractive. When you get in the bedroom, own it and don’t be shy. You will increase your pleasure once you let go of everything holding you back. So stop worrying and enjoy the ride…literally!
Sexy Milestones
America and her sexuality have had a colorful past. When did it all start? While many envision the 1960s as a time of awakening, it started earlier than that decade. It was just during the 1960s that the counterculture of the 1950s and before became more mainstream. Click the link below to see how early America actually experienced it’s stirrings! Just Click on the PNG image below or Click here for the Sexy Milestones – PDF version. Share it with your friends and raise some eyebrows!
Fitness and Your Love Life: They’re the Perfect Match
Most of us know the saying “the couple that works out together stays together.” Well, there’s truth to that. Getting active will make your relationship stronger, your love life better, and your sex drive higher. Fitness has a huge impact on your love life, and here’s why you should merge the two together.
Couples have been working out together for a while, and this is nothing new. So why is it relevant now? As the modern world becomes more focused around being healthy and active, it is important to keep up. The obesity and laziness epidemic is something that has put a negative impact on our world, and you don’t have to fall in with it. You are a go getter, not a couch sitter! Nothing bad has ever come from getting in shape.
I’m not suggesting anything drastic, like leaving your comfortable woman-centered gym to go and work out with your husband’s bodybuilding friends. You don’t need to go and watch him bench press while making grunting noises and creating a large pool of sweat on the floor. That’s not fun for a lot of women. I’m simply making some suggestions to include fitness in your life, if you don’t already do so. Even if you do, here’s some insight you might not realize. Adding some fitness to your life will benefit your relationship in many ways. If you’re single there are also a lot of benefits, so don’t think that you don’t count here.
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Fitness has an effect on your energy levels, as well as your body both inside and out.
There are the obvious long term benefits that come from being active, such as decreasing your risks for heart disease and diabetes. If you are married, or in a long term relationship, those are things to be thinking about when it comes to your partner. You both want to be around as long as you can! If you have children together, this is also important for their sake.
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Working on your fitness also gives you self confidence, which is crucial for your love life.
When you work out regularly, you feel better and you feel that you look better- because you do. When you feel better about yourself, your sex drive will increase.
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Unleash the sexy!
This brings me to the sexual benefits of exercise. There are many. Naturally, the most obvious one is you will feel more comfortable naked and in an intimate situation. You’ll also have the energy to keep going as long as you want, and maybe longer than you could before. Your legs won’t get tired. Your arms won’t get sore. Exercising also releases endorphins that can boost your sex drive. Sex also counts as an exercise!
If you really want to boost that sex drive through the roof, you can take some of the sexier exercise classes, like burlesque and pole dancing. Those are sure to increase your sexual activity and awaken the temptress in you.
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Your relationship will go sky high.
Where does fitness come into play in a relationship? Find some common interests. Do you both enjoy hiking? Take a Saturday morning hike together. Walk your dog or go for a jog in the park. Go on an adventure in a place that you’ve never been to, or haven’t been to in a while. Go to the beach and play some volleyball. Join a co-ed recreational sports team together. Doing activities like this together will boost your bond and make you a stronger couple.
Working out and getting active with your partner will boost your relationship in multiple ways. If you choose to do some of the more exhilarating activities together, like rock climbing, you’ll help bring back those feelings you got when you first started dating- when you were in the “honeymoon phase” and everything was new and exciting. It’s also a good motivator to stay on track and keep with it, because you have each other as support. Your attraction to each other will also increase. You’ll be able to watch each other get into shape and improve yourselves. That’s an empowering thing.
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You can take fitness with you on vacations.
Even when it comes to going on a trip, you can add fitness. Go on a weekend getaway and do some sightseeing by foot or bicycle. Some places have running tours. If you’re going on vacation together, being active will help you get the most out of your time away because you can go on excursions and outings and be able to keep up physically.
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Meet someone amazing!
Single? There are plenty of ways to meet men through fitness activities and events. Joining a recreational sports league is an excellent way to do that. A couple in my hockey league not only met playing hockey, but also got engaged right there on the ice after a game a few years later in that same league. Joining a team will give you something in common with him that you can build off and form a base connection with. You can also meet people in classes and organized sporting events.
Many single men are looking for women who are active and enjoy either being outdoors or being adventurous. These outdoorsy, active men want to be able to take you on a canoe trip without you complaining that your feet hurt or your arms are sore from paddling. Being in shape would prevent both of those things from happening. However, so would wearing proper shoes. Keep that in mind.
If you scroll through some of the usernames on online dating sites like Match.com, you’ll see that a lot of them are sports related or activity related. Those dating sites, Match.com in particular, have organized events where you can go to meet other singles. Many of those organized events involve fitness activities. You can filter your online dating search to find men who are interested in the same activities that you are, and you can use those activities as dates. This will give you something to bond over, and that will give you a good starting point on a first date- or a second, third or fourth!
Whether you’re single, in a relationship, dating, in a partnership, or anything else, being active and involved with fitness will always give you an advantage. It can be something as small as walking your dog together. Whatever you choose to do will have a positive effect on your love life, and that is worth the effort.
ROMANTIC SCIENCE
Contributed by Cindy Lu and Fiona Fine
Romantic Science? If you are thinking that those two words go together about as well as oil and water, you are about to be proven very, very wrong.
Author, actress and relationship expert Cindy Lu thought so as well, until she decided that listening only to her heart was getting her absolutely nowhere in her love life. When she decided to turn things upside down and combine her heart and her head, that’s when she developed The Four Man Plan and found love. So, get out your pencils and your graph paper, because you are about to learn the science of romance.
The Four Man Plan flies in the face of conventional dating wisdom and thumbs its nose at society’s expectations about how ‘good girls’ should conduct their love lives, which is why we at Women Who Run It! and our sister company HowToPutTheFunBackIntoDating.com love the idea so much and use it ourselves.
Cindy started with the idea that she would divide up her expectations and try to fulfill her love life without it all having to come from one man. Why? Because, as she explains, “I was expanding into a world of men that was just delicious and different and things that I’ve never experienced before. So, I went from just always trying this ‘one food, my favorite food, every food was going to be my last meal’, to realizing that the world was an absolute buffet and variety was the spice of it.”
Sounds kind of yummy? Then sharpen those pencils and let’s get started.
Science 101: The Mantris Graph
Make yourself a graph with four squares. Now divide each of those into four again. This is going to represent your love life. Here’s how it works:
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The ¼ Man. These guys obviously takes up only one of the tiny ¼ squares. These are the guys you are chatting with online, who you meet on dating sites and may not have even met yet.
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The ½ Man. This is the guys who you have met at least once and you have been clear with him that you are seeing other men.
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The Whole Man. This is the guy that you are starting to develop feelings for. Maybe there has been some kissing and holding hands, but you haven’t slept with him yet.
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The 2 1/4 Man. Nobody expects you to live like a nun, but if there is sex, then that guy definitely needs to take up more space on your chart. By ranking him at 2 ¼, it means that by the numbers, you don’t have room for another guy like him in your love life!
[Editor’s Note: To get a great visual – buy the book “The Four Man Plan” by Cindy Lu in our Check It Out section!]
MEN LIKE COMPETITION
Now that your graph is starting to fill up, its important to remember that many guys actually enjoy a little healthy competition for a woman’s affections. Remember that you need to be very up front with the men you are dating and they should know you are “not dating exclusively” as Fiona puts it. Many men like a little time and space, they like to meet a little resistance, before they decide how they feel about you. Don’t forget, throughout history, men until very recently, had to make a bid for a woman and possibly compete for a woman’s hand. The fear of loss for them is greater than the hope for gain, so if a man knows he could lose you to another man, that is a much greater motivator to step up and win your affections.
YOUR DEEPEST INTENTIONS ALWAYS SHOW THROUGH
No matter how much a woman may insist that she wants a casual relationship, men can always tell if they are mentally being fitted for their wedding tux. What The Four Man Plan does is allows us as women to diversify and to not pin all our hopes on one man. We can enjoy the dating process, learn a lot about ourselves and be more prepared for when we are ready to enter a more serious relationship. In addition, a woman who is not looking for every man to be ‘Mr. Right’ is more appealing to a man and he can get to know YOU, and contemplate you as a person and as a match, rather than being scared off by too much too soon.
HOW TO FIND THE TIME FOR ALL YOUR MEN
Now that you’re on the plan, you may be wondering how on earth you find time for all those men. Cindy and Fiona maintain that it’s nowhere as difficult as it seems. One whole weekend day, or maybe half a weekend day should be set aside for your favourite. The others should be limited to a coffee or lunch date during the week, and then perhaps phone calls, emails or texts. That should mean you could see everybody within a two week duration, which is a completely reasonable timeframe.
The lesson in this part of the exercise is that if you can’t make time for half a weekend day and a coffee, lunch or dinner date during the week, plus a few phone calls, then you have simply not carved out enough space in your life for a relationship.
LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PICKY VS. DISCRIMINATING
Forget your long list of demands and expectations. If he misspells something in his email or wears corduroy, that can no longer be a deal-breaker and this kind of pickiness can shut you off from a world of possibilities. A man must be honest, loving, and willing.
- Honesty: He gives you data that you can work with. He tells you about himself and is open.
- Loving: He is willing to show affection and be loving with you.
- Willing: He is willing to be more for you; to try your yoga class even though he’s never done it before.
REMEMBER THAT IN EXCHANGE, YOU MUST BE ALL THREE OF THOSE THINGS ALSO.
LET HIM KNOW HE IS STILL IN THE GAME
Men find women mysterious and it is important for them to know that they are pleasing us. Because they know they are competing with other men for your affections, it is important to let them know what they are doing right and that they are still ‘in the game.’ You may still not have made a decision about who is your favourite and you may never make that decision, but it is important for each man to know that they are pleasing you.
THE DISNEY THEORUM
If you care to compare yourself to a Disney Princess, make sure its Snow White and not Cinderella. Snow White had the seven dwarves madly in love with her; they would do anything for her and in the end, she chose the Prince (with no hard feelings). Cinderella, on the other hand, had to fight her step-sisters for the Prince and it resulted in some pretty unattractive behaviour – all for the sake of one man. The lesson to be learned? Many men ‘adoring’ one woman seems to make everybody happier than many women ‘adoring’ one man.
Ready to give it a try?
As Cindy (and Fiona agrees): “I would just want to give all women, whether they follow The Four Man Plan or not, permission to have fun dating and not make it a serious process because it is a wonderful experience and part of our lives.”
A Guide to the ‘The Holy Grail of Women’s Orgasms’
(contributed by David Shade) Ladies, you will want to get your man to read this one too, because we are holding them personally responsible for your pleasure (you have your part to play yet your guy has a leading role!) It’s time to talk ORGASMS… As you know from our January issue, I interviewed David Shade, ‘The Renegade Sex Expert’ and bestselling author of the book The Secrets of Female Sexuality to bring you the secrets to achieving that ‘holy grail’ of female sexual pleasure, the vaginal orgasm. Female sexuality is primarily mental. As I bluntly said in our interview: “a woman’s orgasm begins between her ears” and “foreplay can be anything and everything that happens to a woman through the course of her day” (ie. long before she enters the bedroom). This is also the key to why so many of us women find it difficult to over-ride our inhibitions, let go and enjoy the deep, satisfying pleasure of a vaginal orgasm. [My comment: A vaginal orgasm is longer, deeper, more emotionally satisfying than the intense ‘release or spike’ of a clitoral orgasm]. Many of us women believe that only the ‘lucky’ ones have vaginal orgasms – in fact evidently only 30-40% of women ever experience them in their lifetime. David and I disagree: every healthy woman is capable of soul satisfying orgasms and vaginal orgasms are your birthright! Netting it out: what it takes is learning to connect the pleasure centres of the vagina to those in the brain; to let loose and get lost in the moment and to release your inhibitions and self-sabotaging behaviors; to give yourself permission to feel deep pleasure! Here are some of the top tips on achieving a vaginal orgasm: For a Woman (self pleasure or with a partner):- Throw away the damned vibrator! (or, at least take out the batteries). Vibrators make women dependent on clitoral stimulation and orgasms. That is not what you are aiming for. Use a ‘lifelike’ substitute and let your imagination go. Women’s imagination or fantasies and emotions are a key ingredient to releasing emotion.
- Practice the emotion that you would feel with a partner and/or allow yourself to fantasize about any and all aspects of pleasure – letting go is as much a mental exercise than a physical one.
- Be pleasure oriented, not goal or time oriented. Give yourself time and be in the moment – all the moments – with yourself or with your partner.
- Keep your goal under wraps. Nothing will cause her performance anxiety faster than telling a woman that you are aiming for a vaginal orgasm (because so few women believe they are capable of them!)
- Understand that your pleasure has to come from her pleasure.
- Keep her involved in the journey, and let her know that you are enjoying it and truly desire her and her pleasure.
- Do not feel frustrated if she at first cuts you short and does not allow you to continue pleasuring her. Many (if not most women) fall prey to self-sabotaging thoughts of ‘its taking too long’ or ‘I just can’t get there…’ or ‘He must be getting frustrated or tired, we have to stop…’.
- Take any and all opportunities to learn, to collect intelligence for the next time that you are together so that you can try once again to sweep her away. Progress is good no matter how incremental.
- For a woman who has never experienced vaginal orgasm, and who has a ready and willing partner, David Shade recommends using the middle finger first, rather than the penis, because it allows significantly greater flexibility and movement.
- The goal is to stimulate the “anterior fornix” of the vagina, which is a ‘deep spot’ 3½ to 4 inches inside the front wall of the vagina. This is the easiest way for a woman to be brought to her first vaginal orgasm. Note: the deep spot is different from the famous G spot.
[check out http://masterful-lover.com/
- Once a woman has experienced her first vaginal orgasm, she should be able to recognize and repeat the sensation much more easily, in a way ‘training’ herself to achieve vaginal orgasm over and over.
Tantra Sacred Loving Step by Step
Tantra loving is your answer!
Tantric Sex is becoming the sexual learning of choice for women (and men) who want to have it all: a passionate love life, a healthy body, and spiritual growth.
Tantric lovemaking involves breathing exercises, muscle contraction exercises, sound, visualization, affirmations, creating a sacred loving space and other rituals, meditation, sensual massage, and sexual play. In order to create enough sexual energy to move into ecstatic states of divine connection Tantrikas make love for long periods of time, experiencing extraordinary levels of pleasure along the way. You would (reportedly) be in the company of Sting/Trudie, Tom Hanks, Heather Graham and P. Diddy among potentially the woman who sits next to you on the subway!
You can see and feel a difference in your lovemaking experience right away if you follow these steps.
Tantric Lovemaking Step by Step:
1. Intention
“Regular” lovemaking has a goal – orgasm.
If you both come at the same time you’ve done it “really, really well”. If neither of you come at all you may as well have spent your time elsewhere. With Tantric loving, there is no goal. There is a purpose however, and that purpose is union. Every aspect of your Tantric loving serves that purpose. Your intention is to merge with your lover in all aspects – body, mind, heart and soul – not just body. You can help this along by looking at your lover differently, by seeing your partner as a god or goddess, as a living expression of the divine. Look for the glory, the beauty and the wonder in your playmate and in yourself and let that shine.
2. Creating a ‘Sacred Space’
Take time to set the mood.
You can transform an ordinary space – a bedroom or living room – into a sacred space. To do this, takes only a few minutes and costs little or nothing. The important thing is your intention, not the specific items you use.
– First, clean and de-clutter the room.
– If it is evening, dim the lights and use candles all around the room.
– Bring in some plants or fresh cut flowers. A bowl of fruit is very sensual. You may wish to have a bottle of wine to share.
– Bring special objects into the room. Any objects that have emotional importance for you will work very well. Create your lover’s bed.
– Make up the bed with clean linens and have lots of pillows handy.
When you have finished creating the space, take a few moments to purify it energetically. That means consciously sending away negative or fearful thoughts and feelings, and inviting in those that are joyous, passionate and safe. You can even create your own rituals with sweetgrass, incense, and musical instruments.
The Lover’s Purifying Bath:
Don’t forget to cleanse each other in preparation for your joyous union. A shared hot bath with essential oils and bath salts is perfect (a shared shower is also so very sensual). The essential thing is to be squeaky clean. After all you will be eating off that skin! Sensually prepare your bodies for the delights ahead.
Honor, Respect and Permission:
Trust, surrender and opening your heart are essential if you want to reach the heights of bliss. It is not just technique that will get you there. You and your lover must join together as loving equals on the sexual journey.
Ladies: Let your man know that he is safe! He may act all macho and tough, showing little emotion, but you know that inside most men are afraid of emotional intimacy. The tougher a man acts the greater this fear of letting go, surrender and trust will likely be. Let him know that you recognize his strength, but also invite him to show his feelings. Let him know how much it turns you on when he shows some vulnerability mixed with his many strengths. Tell him how handsome he is and how talented. Mention all the things you like most about him. Tell him why you love him so strongly. Tell him how much you think about him when he is away, and how you have fantasies about making love to him and touching him when he returns. Make him believe that you really want him sexually. Finally, ask his permission to passionately love him in your practice of Tantra sacred sex.
Men: Think of the vagina as a potential opening rather than as ‘always being open’. Do not ever take your lady for granted! Tell her how much you care for her and respect her. Tell her how much you love her. Speak words of adoration into her ears as you gently blow on them and nibble on her ear lobes. Let her know that you think of her constantly and how strong your desire is to make love with (not to) her. Also, let her know that you invite her to awaken sexually and to express her sexuality fully. Let her know that you are NOT caught in that tired old cultural conditioning that still insists “good girls” do not enjoy sex – the Madonna/Whore split. Make her believe you when you tell her that you know she can be all she wants to be: a successful career woman, a respectful daughter, a faithful wife, a caring mother, a passionate lover and a sincere spiritual seeker all at the same time. Tell her how beautiful she is, how wonderful she smells, and all the things you appreciate most about her. Finally, ask her permission to passionately love her in your practice of Tantra sacred sex.
3. Foreplay
After you have asked and received permission to love each other up, tune into each other. Two simple ways to do this are through harmonizing your breathing and by looking deep into each other’s eyes. By matching your breathing rhythms and making soulful eye contact you connect energetically as well as physically. Begin to explore each other’s bodies with wonder, lust, and playfulness.
Remember, in Tantra sacred loving there is no goal. You are not trying to get somewhere. Each act of loving is complete in and of itself. Once you master how to work with your sexual energy many men and women will discover that they can have orgasms just by touching fingers together. Indeed, you can have orgasms just by looking into each other’s eyes! So men are not in a hurry to get at the woman’s breasts or into her vagina. When touching her body, start at the extremities and work in toward the breasts and genitals. Start with the fingers and toes and work in. Go slowly! Generally men enjoy having their genitals touched at any time, but women usually only enjoy having their breasts and genitals touched after they are already sexually excited from other touching, stimulating conversation, or emotional connection. Make sure the woman is well lubricated before any attempt at intercourse. If possible, help her to have a clitoral orgasm before moving on to intercourse.
4. Intercourse
The usual 5 to 15 minutes of lovemaking is typically not satisfying for most women. Men need to learn to delay ejaculation so that active lovemaking can be extended for hours. Men can learn to delay ejaculation not just during one lovemaking session, but for weeks or months at a time. Any man who masters this will eventually have the happy experience of orgasm without ejaculation. Orgasm without ejaculation will not deplete the man’s energy the same way that a regular ejaculatory orgasm does. This means that a man can have more than one orgasm; indeed, he can become a multi-orgasmic-man. When the man is able to last longer, it is much more likely that his female partner will also have multiple orgasms.
Although Tantric loving lasts several hours, this does not mean you are having active intercourse during that entire time. Intercourse is interspersed with touching, oral play, quietly holding each other. It is a good idea for a man to allow his erection to subside every 30 minutes to exchange the blood supply and recharge his hormone levels.
5. The Passion Pump (Moving Your Energy)
This muscle contraction exercise is very simple and can extensively increase your ecstatic union.
If you were urinating and stopped the flow of urine in mid-stream you would be contracting exactly the right muscles for The Passion Pump exercise in exactly the right way. So imagine that you wanted to alternately start and stop the flow of urine. This squeezing and relaxing of muscles around your genitals is called the PC Pump. It’s the first and most important exercise in learning to circulate your sexual energy.
At the peak of sexual arousal, either during intercourse or manual/oral stimulation stop your normal lovemaking movements and focus instead on moving the sexual energy that’s pulsing in your genitals. Move it up and through your body. Use slow, deep abdominal breathing to keep your body relaxed. Add the PC pumping action and visualize moving energy up your body in a ball of fire or a wave of light or a current of electricity. Through your eyes, your hands, your genitals you can learn to direct and pass this powerful force on to your lover.
6. Afterplay
Regular lovemaking usually ends when the man ejaculates, but when men have learned to postpone ejaculation, stopping lovemaking then becomes a matter of choice. With Tantric loving you wind down your loving time with slow caresses, words of endearment and honoring each other with food and drink.
7. Sharing Wine, Food and Other Sensual Pleasures
The sharing of good food, wine and other intoxicants, sensual massage, dressing up in costumes and playing sexual games are part of the ancient Tantric tradition. While Tantra is serious, it need not be heavy. Lighten up; be playful, lusty and daring!
Tantra lovers know that they are personally responsible for their own sexual fulfillment and their own spiritual progress. This may be especially important for men. Many men experience a great deal of performance anxiety.
But even the greatest, most sensitive, highly skilled Tantric lover cannot make a woman have orgasms. She must be able to go to that place in herself that is orgasmic. Sexual/spiritual ecstasy has little to do with control. It requires trust, surrender and letting go. Both lovers must learn to do this. If there is some psychological work to do before you will allow yourself to open in this way, then get on with it! In the meantime, please each other with the preparation, serving and consumption of fine food and drink. Lavish each other with touching in sensual massage. Dress up (and down!) for each other. Take on different personalities with different costumes. Wear masks! Play and laugh together often. Celebrate your spirit through your sexuality. Open your heart. Let your lover in and your love out!
Can a Broken Heart Kill You?
The holiday season is over, many of us may still be paying off bills, we are in the dead of winter and, love it or hate it, we are in the build-up to Valentine’s Day – complete with an abundance of pink hearts and frilly chocolate boxes. It is either the best or the worst of days depending on your point of view.
For those who are not fans of this Hallmark holiday, Valentine’s Day can be a time to feel a little bit blue and/or fed up with all the fuss. But for others it can be a major source of stress. It can add to the heartache of a broken relationship, or bring on a new wave of grief and loss. It can be lonely and stressful and even make you feel that you need to stay on the sidelines of life because you don’t have anyone ‘special’ by your side.
My question is: has anyone died from a broken heart?
We decided to investigate whether being ‘broken or lonely hearted’ could really lead to physical risk. We were shocked by what we discovered…
‘Takotsubo Syndrome’ was only first identified in Japan in 1991 and has since been commonly renamed in the western culture as “stress cardiomyopathy” or “Broken Heart Syndrome”
Broken Heart Syndrome, it turns out, is real, it’s rough, and it can be dangerous – and it seems to hit women more often than men (90% of diagnosed cases*). Even worse, when women complain of their ‘broken’ heart they are often ignored! Another ailment that is “all in our head”?
Here’s some facts: in layman’s terms, Broken Heart Syndrome (BHS) is a cardiac incident brought about by the body releasing a sudden surge of chemicals, including adrenaline, which can shock the heart muscles and cause them to stop working properly. Specifically it is the spasming of the left ventricle of the heart, causing loss of blood flow – just like a heart attack. It even presents with the same symptoms as a heart attack: chest pain, shortness of breath, arm pain, nausea, and sweating. But instead of an arterial blockage (as in a heart attack), when doctors test, they find the left ventricle misshapen to the point where it is constricting blood flow.
What can cause Broken Heart Syndrome?
- Extremely stressful incidents like the loss of a loved one, or a pet; sudden bad news; heated arguments with family; relationship breakups, divorce, or an accumulation of stresses leading to a final, triggering event.
- Physical stress such as an asthma attack or even low blood sugar.
Who is most at risk?
Although anybody can experience Broken Heart Syndrome, because it is largely stress-related, the majority of sufferers (approximately 90%) are women of menopausal age! Researchers have concluded this may be because the level of oestrogen (which helps women cope with huge stresses), is significantly lowered in menopause. A lessened ability to cope with stress plus the inevitable stresses of mid-life (divorce, parental death, etc) create the perfect circumstances for Broken Heart Syndrome.
Can it be fatal?
Yes – actually it can be. While some patients can be absolutely fine within days of an incident, there is a possibility that the heart muscle can be so constricted that it can no longer pump blood to the body fast enough, causing heart failure. So theoretically and physiologically, yes, we can die of a broken heart. However, most people do survive broken heart syndrome, just like they survive a broken heart.
What can you do to avoid BHS**?
- Talk to your doctor if you have been undergoing emotional stress, trauma, or grief – in fact, talk to anyone!
- Express your emotions. Don’t hold it all in. This allows your body to respond better to stress.
- Only you can set the time limit on your grief: whether it’s for the death of a loved one, or the death of a relationship, do not let others set the agenda or timeframe for your grieving. Be proactive to figure out ways or mechanisms to alleviate your pain or grief.
- See your doctor regularly and make sure you report any new aches and pains so they are up-to-date on your medical history.
- Keep yourself fit, eat well, and get into a regular routine of sleep.
- If you do not feel up for it, then limit your exposure to the holidays and social gatherings that upset you. Be true to yourself and what you feel you can handle.
- Make sure you do something that is good for your body and soul – go for walks, take bubble baths, listen to music. Participating in something enjoyable will lessen the stress on your body. As you feel broken hearted, remind yourself of what you are grateful for.
- if you feel broken hearted, still try to hang out with friends that empathize with what you are going through and who gently encourage you to live life to your fullest definition. The cliche is true that in many cases “time heals” a broken heart.
Although Broken Heart Syndrome is a very real medical condition, in many ways our ability to avoid it is up to us. Large-scale stress happens in life. As we age, we realize that it is unavoidable. In the end, our ability to cope with it and not have it trigger or contribute to major health problems, relies on our ability to handle the smaller daily stresses that we encounter all the time. In essence, the more time we spend loving in our daily lives, the less chance we will ever die of a broken heart!
*http://www.webmd.com/heart/
How To Find the Right Man for Bliss in the Bedroom
We know, we know, we can practically see you rolling your eyes! Another article on finding Mr. Right to go along with the thousands already out there. We feel your pain. But, we here at Women Who Run It: Your Life – Your Love – Your Terms! promised to bring you the information you need with no B.S., no fluff, and no fillers, and we plan on keeping good on that promise! I recently spent an enlightening hour speaking with David Shade, who is known as The Renegade Sex Expert (he came referred by one of my guy friends). David is the bestselling author of The Secrets of Female Sexuality and I was dying to hear what he had to say about how an ‘alpha’ woman who runs it all during the day can find a Masterful Lover™ for ultimate sexual fulfillment at night! One reason why so many women are not finding sexual fulfillment, David believes, is that as women who run it all during the day, taking on the world, and maintaining control, we really need to be ‘submissive’; to give up, let go, to feel deep pleasure in the bedroom. Sex is a mental playground for us women, and in order to achieve the release of an orgasm, to be cherished and adored, and to not be in charge (even for a little while), we have to learn to just let go and let the man lead us and take charge of our pleasure. Now, I know that is tough for most of us! [I personally had trouble getting my head around the idea that I have to submit to a man until I reframed it to surrendering into my own pleasure.] But how do you find a man that can lead us to full-on bliss in the bedroom? David says to think of it like hiring good employees and empowering them. Find a really great guy, one who is not intimidated, one who is turned on by the power and control you maintain during the day, and then let him do what he is good at – pleasuring you! Here is where you need to put some detective skills to work on finding that man:- Men learn to be men from their fathers, so you must find a man whose father was a good role model, whom he respects and who respects and treats his own wife well (ie. your beau’s mother).
- Men learn how to have healthy relationships with women from their mothers. You need to look for a man who has a good, healthy, functional relationship with his mother.
- Third, you need to find out if he is going to be willing to take the lead in the bedroom with your pleasure foremost in his mind. BEFORE you hit the bedroom or even third base, pose some hypothetical questions to him about sexuality and see how he responds. What will he do when you tell him you ‘like to get a little bit naughty’? Is he responsive or have you scared him away? Men inadvertently tell us EVERYTHING we need to know in the very very early days of dating – if we pay attention!!
- Once you feel like you have a potential “masterful lover’ on the hook, let him know that you want to let go in the bedroom – to not be in charge all the time. Does he take charge? Is he up for the task?
- Relax and let him take charge
- Stay away from the self-defeating language
- Do not get caught up in the societal misconception that a man just wants to ‘get off.’ A truly enlightened man wants to take responsibility for your pleasure and in turn that brings him immense pleasure as well.