Dating Advice for Women: The “Get Over It” Gene
Once upon a time…
I went on a date with a guy a couple of weeks ago who was introduced to me through a mutual friend. The date went amazingly well. We talked for hours, flirted like crazy and of course it helped that he was absolutely drop dead gorgeous, offered to take me dancing and we had a ton of things in common. By the end of the date I couldn’t believe how great it was; and when he kissed me, the butterflies in my stomach woke up from a year long hiatus.
Yes, you knew there was a BUT coming… (there always is when I start a story with a ‘Once upon a time…’).
Even though we had fun during our date we’d also had a pretty serious conversation about what it was we were each looking for in our dating lives. He mentioned that he was recently separated and that he knew his marriage was over but it was still tough going. I mentioned that I wasn’t looking for the ‘white picket fence’ relationship and just wanted to go out on dates and have a good time. I also mentioned that I was dating another man at the same time and we both agreed that we could get along with our situations.
After a five hour date and some really great kissing I told him it was time for me to go home. He asked if I was sure and (despite my body screaming at me ‘no – this is way too hot to stop’) I went home alone with promises of seeing him soon. Let’s just say I had some great dreams that night!
Then the next two weeks go by. He knew he had to go on a family trip with his ex and let me know that the two weeks would be busy. I knew he was away so in the interest of no drama, I let him be: no initiating texts, no long talks on the phone, etc. I just let things go as they would. Then today I got a text from him. He said he was sorry and he was terrible at texting and thanked me for being cool about the reduced communication. In response I asked when I would see him again and that’s when I started to get the huge song and dance…excuse, prevarication, excuse….
It came down to the fact that somehow his ex had found out he had gone on a date and she wasn’t happy so he “wanted to just be friends with me” for now until things were settled so he could end it peacefully with his ex. Um…. can you say emotionally unavailable?
Feeling all the roiling emotions of disappointment, anger and frustration I called up Fiona (my dating guru) for some SOS advice before I blasted him via email, text, phone or all three for being two faced and wasting my time. She listened to me rant that he was an idiot and insensitive and ‘how dare he?’ and ‘dammit, we f#cking talked about it all on the actual date’ … @#$^…. grrrr.
A third of the way through the rant and emoting, she cut me off in mid rant and said “I am going to be give you some really tough love on this topic ‘coz I know you can take it.” She laid it all on the table so to speak (inter-friend-tions aren’t always pretty).
Was I going to make him wrong for being emotionally not ready (and not realizing it)?
Was I going to be a “typical girl” and blast him when he told the truth? ….Did I really want to be just friends with this guy or was that too much for him to ask under the circumstances?
She told me to set my boundaries. I know that me just being friends with this guy won’t happen as the attraction is too strong. I would be looking at him with more than just friendship in mind and so my boundary had to be set at ‘NEXT’…
Listening to her words of wisdom, we laid out a plan of attack and wording of a cool/unemotional text: “Wow, that sucks. Get back in touch if/ when it all settles down”. I left all the emotions/frustrations out of it. Even the disappointment of “Sh#t, I was really into you and I thought we were on the same page!!” And most of all, I left ALL the drama out of it!
Yep, you guessed what came next…
I got a text back a few minutes later, thanking me for being so cool (which of course I am!) Better yet, I knew from the plan that Fiona and I spoke about that I did not have to answer him – nor did I. He’ll call me when he’s ready – or he won’t.
The faster I get over it, the better my life is! Until then, I’m not interested in dating an emotionally unavailable man (confession: but whom I’m hopelessly, sexually attracted to).
A lesson I got given in all of this?
Don’t let what boys do make you think all men are terrible. Don’t blame him nor the next one in your life.
As Fiona said, “He didn’t do this on purpose and he honestly didn’t know what it was going to be like going on a date after 7 years of marriage”. So I cut him some slack, called it what it is and I move on to the next man. When/IF he calls, I’ll give him another chance without blaming or attacking him – if it that is what I choose to do and it works for me. Because I am learning to have the “Get Over It” gene.
Note from Fiona: Men screw up a lot!. In my private practice and when I speak to men around the world their refrain is the same: “sometimes we can be inconsiderate jerks – please can you get over it if it is small stuff and not harp or remind us of it over and over”. “Your ability to “get over it” is going to make me appreciate that you are a really cool woman and that I need to always be earning your respect to deserve you – the ultimate prize”. Ladies – we need to learn to GET OVER IT more!
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